LIVING

What am I doing? And what am I suposed to do? Are these two things opposites? Or complementary? I'm trying to find out how life should be. Because I've just found out that life isn't only about 'living'. It's also about feeling ALIVE. And to feel alive we all need to FEEL. Because it doesn't make sense to live without feeling, does it? Nonsense. But that's exactly how we live.

We spend almost all our lives trying to behave, trying to live the way we are suposed to live,acting how others expect us to act, leaving in a secondary place what we NEED TO FEEL when it doesn't fit the standard and correct human behaviour. And if we finally manage to do everything right, then, and only then, we're supposed to get the PARADISE in front of our eyes. But, who has seen it? When? After death? Wtf?

What if I want to live my own paradise right now? What if what I need to feel is not on my way to that 'perfect and correct life'? Does it make me a bad person to look for happiness and forgotten feelings somewhere else? Somewhere where I'm not alowed? Maybe in more than one place? Every single person could have a different answer for this, because there's not only one option. Or at least, that's what I need to think.

We all dream about a happy and complete life, where every single gap in our heart and soul is filled in. And most of the times we dream of this 'ONE' to fill all the gaps, all of them...And we spend our lives searching for that person, and in the meantime we spend our time with someone else, someone that makes us feel special (or not) not to feel alone... It sounds cold and weird, but it's what happens when we convince ourselves that we are happy like that, or that we don't deserve something better.

And that's how life goes...under lies. We lie to ourselves all the time, and nobody cares about it. We only care about lying to the others eventhough the biggest crime should be lying to ourselves.

And there, just there is where I need to get. Life goes so fast while we wait for our PERFECT TIME, and in the meantime, thousands of good things pass by. Thousands of good things that should be part of our life. And I want to live my life completely, I want to feel what I need to feel to be happier, trying not to hurt others, but trying not to hurt myself either. I don't want to avoid or delete my feelings anymore just because they were not supposed to be there. I don't want to regret about what I've done, but specially I don't want to regret about all the things I could have done and I didn't, even if they are somekind of 'MISTAKES'.

I'm far from being sure about what I want, but I need to find it out without limits, without rules, only with my feet going one after the other, stomping and going just where they feel they want to go.